Let's see, I think last time I wrote, I had just arrived in Korea. I was freaking out. Culture shock, stress, too much coffee, and an absolutely hellish school director didn't help. Eventually, it got better. I made some friends, went to all kinds of different events, and even bought a car there (for $500), which made my stay immensely better. I left a bit of my heart in that country. Even though I had to turn the director in for tax fraud to get all my money back. Even though it smelled weird and made my nose burn next to the industrial section of Ulsan. Even though so many things, I finally made it, and I'm glad for the experience.
Then I went home for two months and all hell broke loose. Do not move to the suburbs of Houston, TX. There is, truly, nothing to do. Also, if you can avoid living with your parents when you're 28 years old, that would be super as well.
I met a boy in Korea. He's Polish. He's an engineer currently working in a little beach resort town on the southern coast of Vietnam called Vung Tau. So, I am currently with said engineer, teaching English on the side while I get my head around where my life is going. Vung Tau has a tropical climate that never changes except to rain, which is almost never does. Everything is almost embarassingly cheap (almost), there's a temple on every block, and the people are for the most part friendly. Not bad for a vacation spot.
But, blah blah, you'll hear way more about that later. I think the reason that I'm writing now is because I finally feel like some kind of fog has lifted in my brain. About ten days ago, I woke up late for work with (another) wicked, debilitating hangover. I got to school an hour late, a total wreck, and when I finally got back home, I ended up sleeping for five straight hours, effectively missing out on the only day Maciek and I have together. That afternoon, after my "nap", I felt sick, sad, and completely lethargic. This is not the first time I have felt this way. As the years have passed, I've felt more and more like crap when I wake up hungover. Also, I've noticed my alarming tendency to be completely unable to stop drinking once I have just one beer. My grandfather was a raging binge-alcoholic. Another family member is a 30 year "maintanance" alcoholic. I really don't want to go down that road.
So, I began doing some research on what's causing these heinous hangovers, as well as if that was possibly related to the laundry list of psychological symptoms I seem to tote around with me everywhere: depression, anxiety, racing thoughts, emotional ups and downs that seemed to come out of nowhere, etc. I have weird physical symptoms, too, that I didn't realize were abnormal until one of my friends in Korea told me so. Like, constant fatigue, constant thirst, and feeling insanely hungry to the point of faintness. These problems had crept up slowly, so that I learned to live with them, and thought that everyone else felt the same when they were hungover or hungry. Not true, apparently.
After alot of research on what could be contributing to these horrible horrible feelings I'd been having, I realized that three or four substances were possibly to blame. The first one was alcohol, which I knew was messing with my neurology and which I really wanted to give up. I was sacrificing so much of my life for a stupid drink. The second was nicotine. I always smoke too much when I drink, and I wake up feeling like my blood is poisoned. Also, it keeps me from working out because I can't catch my breath. Third was refined carbohydrates: white sugar, bread, pasta, and rice. Fourth was unfortunate, though. The biggest culprit in messing up my blood sugar was...caffeine. Coffee. I loved coffee. I'd been drinking it habitually since I was a junior in high school. But, so much literature pointed to this particular drug (and it is a drug) being the cause of not only my anxiety problems, but also my unbalanced blood sugar and even my depression. After taking a serious assessment of exactly what I was sacrificing to keep these habits, I decided to:
1. Go on a basically hypoglycemic diet, and see if that would help take the edge off my low blood sugar, which, if you haven't had it, is like this panicky, dizzy fog that descends on you with almost no notice.
2. Stop drinking. Period. Not a taste. Not a drop.
3. Sigh.....give up coffee. All caffeine, actually.
4. 1 cigarette before bed, so that I can sleep.
Day 1: Didn't suck as much as I thought it would. I was groggy and felt half-asleep, but I balanced it by eating pretty much only raw and steamed vegetables, and little bit of meat, and some fruit all day. My blood sugar didn't drop once: this was promising. No caffeine headache, luckily.
Days 2-6: More of the same. Groggy and totally out of it, but I did notice that my mood had improved dramatically, and that I wasn't depressed or anxious. Which was an improvement, considering the mood swings I was having before.
Day 7: Ahem. Decided to celebrate the Easter holiday with something that is very rare here in Southeast Asia, and that I had just discovered at an Australian restaurant down the street. PANCAKES!!! WITH BUTTER! AND SYRUP! It's Easter, have some pancakes. So I did. I went home feeling fine, but when my blood sugar dropped (of course it did), I slept for four straight hours. However, when I woke up this time, I didn't feel as bad as I had in the past.
Day 8: I've begun to have extremely vivid dreams, in real time, all night. Caffeine and alcohol both flush magnesium out of the body, which for some reason is responsible for vivid dreams. I'm taking a B vitamin complex along with Vitamin C and magnesium to keep my immune system healthy, and the magnesium is DEFINITELY working. I'm also sleeping for 11 to 12 hours at a time. I could feel bad about this, but I've decided that if my body wants to sleep that much, it can sleep that much. I'm putting it through alot, and it should have its rest. Truthfully, this drowsiness doesn't feel like wanting to sleep because you're depressed. It feels like actual sleepiness. Research shows this should end in about two weeks. I've got two weeks. That night, I got DEPRESSED, though. It passed, eventually, faster than usual. I haven't had anxiety since I stopped drinking coffee.
Day 9: Finally got the caffeine headache. With a bullet. I'm not really groggy, but I can't keep my thoughts straight, and the second I close my eyes, my thoughts start to wander and combine until I think I'm dreaming while awake.
Day 10: Wake up after a night of intense dreaming with plenty of energy, have some breakfast, and start to accomplish things like a house on fire. It's hard to describe: Reality feels different. More hopeful, maybe. I'm not sad, or hopeless, or emotionally volatile. I'm not jumping-off-the-walls happy either. I feel balanced, and it's amazing. I can't remember the last time i felt like this. Today I took the scooter all along the coast road; past the turquoise beaches, street vendors, and little pubs, feeling healthy, happy, and pretty satisfied with my life.
So, that's my story. Alot of people I know are depressed, or anxious, or whatever, and I think we try to self-medicate as best we can, but the things we choose tend to kind of backfire if we overdo it. I'll try to keep the blog updated as best I can, and post about my continued recovery from some very very toxic substances. If you're thinking about doing this yourself, maybe wait until you have enough time to get plenty of bedrest, and go easy on yourself. I should probably mention that I've tried to quit smoking, or drinking, or whatever in the past, and it never really seemed to stick. I was too jittery or stressed, and I'd always cave because I needed to relax. Without coffee, I'm already relaxed, and my cravings for alcohol, or cigarettes, or sugar are about 300 times less than they were when I was still drinking coffee. I can handle it now. I've posted some links down below that were helpful for me. I hope they work for you, too.
Caffeine:
Caffeine and Weight Gain: http://diet.lovetoknow.com/wiki/Caffeine_and_Weight_Gain
Caffeine Alternatives: http://www.dooyoo.co.uk/discussion/general-weightloss-healthy-eating-tips/312340/
Caffeine and Depression: http://www.healthyplace.com/alternative-mental-health/depression-alternative/caffeine-avoidance-for-depression/menu-id-55/
Harmful Effects of Caffeine: http://www.celestialhealing.net/caffeine.htm
Alcohol:
http://www.dryoutnow.com/alcohol-help/index.shtml
Quitting both Together:
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