Yeah, forget everything I said.

Just forget everything I said, whenever I made my last blog post, which was probably a year and a half ago. Ouch. I keep meaning to add to this thing, but it gets waylaid in my journal or not even put down anywhere. And I NEED to write these things down.

Let's see, I think last time I wrote, I had just arrived in Korea. I was freaking out. Culture shock, stress, too much coffee, and an absolutely hellish school director didn't help. Eventually, it got better. I made some friends, went to all kinds of different events, and even bought a car there (for $500), which made my stay immensely better. I left a bit of my heart in that country. Even though I had to turn the director in for tax fraud to get all my money back. Even though it smelled weird and made my nose burn next to the industrial section of Ulsan. Even though so many things, I finally made it, and I'm glad for the experience.

Then I went home for two months and all hell broke loose. Do not move to the suburbs of Houston, TX. There is, truly, nothing to do. Also, if you can avoid living with your parents when you're 28 years old, that would be super as well.

I met a boy in Korea. He's Polish. He's an engineer currently working in a little beach resort town on the southern coast of Vietnam called Vung Tau. So, I am currently with said engineer, teaching English on the side while I get my head around where my life is going. Vung Tau has a tropical climate that never changes except to rain, which is almost never does. Everything is almost embarassingly cheap (almost), there's a temple on every block, and the people are for the most part friendly. Not bad for a vacation spot.

But, blah blah, you'll hear way more about that later. I think the reason that I'm writing now is because I finally feel like some kind of fog has lifted in my brain. About ten days ago, I woke up late for work with (another) wicked, debilitating hangover. I got to school an hour late, a total wreck, and when I finally got back home, I ended up sleeping for five straight hours, effectively missing out on the only day Maciek and I have together. That afternoon, after my "nap", I felt sick, sad, and completely lethargic. This is not the first time I have felt this way. As the years have passed, I've felt more and more like crap when I wake up hungover. Also, I've noticed my alarming tendency to be completely unable to stop drinking once I have just one beer. My grandfather was a raging binge-alcoholic. Another family member is a 30 year "maintanance" alcoholic. I really don't want to go down that road.

So, I began doing some research on what's causing these heinous hangovers, as well as if that was possibly related to the laundry list of psychological symptoms I seem to tote around with me everywhere: depression, anxiety, racing thoughts, emotional ups and downs that seemed to come out of nowhere, etc. I have weird physical symptoms, too, that I didn't realize were abnormal until one of my friends in Korea told me so. Like, constant fatigue, constant thirst, and feeling insanely hungry to the point of faintness. These problems had crept up slowly, so that I learned to live with them, and thought that everyone else felt the same when they were hungover or hungry. Not true, apparently.

After alot of research on what could be contributing to these horrible horrible feelings I'd been having, I realized that three or four substances were possibly to blame. The first one was alcohol, which I knew was messing with my neurology and which I really wanted to give up. I was sacrificing so much of my life for a stupid drink. The second was nicotine. I always smoke too much when I drink, and I wake up feeling like my blood is poisoned. Also, it keeps me from working out because I can't catch my breath. Third was refined carbohydrates: white sugar, bread, pasta, and rice. Fourth was unfortunate, though. The biggest culprit in messing up my blood sugar was...caffeine. Coffee. I loved coffee. I'd been drinking it habitually since I was a junior in high school. But, so much literature pointed to this particular drug (and it is a drug) being the cause of not only my anxiety problems, but also my unbalanced blood sugar and even my depression. After taking a serious assessment of exactly what I was sacrificing to keep these habits, I decided to:

1. Go on a basically hypoglycemic diet, and see if that would help take the edge off my low blood sugar, which, if you haven't had it, is like this panicky, dizzy fog that descends on you with almost no notice.

2. Stop drinking. Period. Not a taste. Not a drop.

3. Sigh.....give up coffee. All caffeine, actually.

4. 1 cigarette before bed, so that I can sleep.

Day 1: Didn't suck as much as I thought it would. I was groggy and felt half-asleep, but I balanced it by eating pretty much only raw and steamed vegetables, and little bit of meat, and some fruit all day. My blood sugar didn't drop once: this was promising. No caffeine headache, luckily.

Days 2-6: More of the same. Groggy and totally out of it, but I did notice that my mood had improved dramatically, and that I wasn't depressed or anxious. Which was an improvement, considering the mood swings I was having before.

Day 7: Ahem. Decided to celebrate the Easter holiday with something that is very rare here in Southeast Asia, and that I had just discovered at an Australian restaurant down the street. PANCAKES!!! WITH BUTTER! AND SYRUP! It's Easter, have some pancakes. So I did. I went home feeling fine, but when my blood sugar dropped (of course it did), I slept for four straight hours. However, when I woke up this time, I didn't feel as bad as I had in the past.

Day 8: I've begun to have extremely vivid dreams, in real time, all night. Caffeine and alcohol both flush magnesium out of the body, which for some reason is responsible for vivid dreams. I'm taking a B vitamin complex along with Vitamin C and magnesium to keep my immune system healthy, and the magnesium is DEFINITELY working. I'm also sleeping for 11 to 12 hours at a time. I could feel bad about this, but I've decided that if my body wants to sleep that much, it can sleep that much. I'm putting it through alot, and it should have its rest. Truthfully, this drowsiness doesn't feel like wanting to sleep because you're depressed. It feels like actual sleepiness. Research shows this should end in about two weeks. I've got two weeks. That night, I got DEPRESSED, though. It passed, eventually, faster than usual. I haven't had anxiety since I stopped drinking coffee.

Day 9: Finally got the caffeine headache. With a bullet. I'm not really groggy, but I can't keep my thoughts straight, and the second I close my eyes, my thoughts start to wander and combine until I think I'm dreaming while awake.

Day 10: Wake up after a night of intense dreaming with plenty of energy, have some breakfast, and start to accomplish things like a house on fire. It's hard to describe: Reality feels different. More hopeful, maybe. I'm not sad, or hopeless, or emotionally volatile. I'm not jumping-off-the-walls happy either. I feel balanced, and it's amazing. I can't remember the last time i felt like this. Today I took the scooter all along the coast road; past the turquoise beaches, street vendors, and little pubs, feeling healthy, happy, and pretty satisfied with my life.

So, that's my story. Alot of people I know are depressed, or anxious, or whatever, and I think we try to self-medicate as best we can, but the things we choose tend to kind of backfire if we overdo it. I'll try to keep the blog updated as best I can, and post about my continued recovery from some very very toxic substances. If you're thinking about doing this yourself, maybe wait until you have enough time to get plenty of bedrest, and go easy on yourself. I should probably mention that I've tried to quit smoking, or drinking, or whatever in the past, and it never really seemed to stick. I was too jittery or stressed, and I'd always cave because I needed to relax. Without coffee, I'm already relaxed, and my cravings for alcohol, or cigarettes, or sugar are about 300 times less than they were when I was still drinking coffee. I can handle it now. I've posted some links down below that were helpful for me. I hope they work for you, too.

Caffeine:

Caffeine and Weight Gain: http://diet.lovetoknow.com/wiki/Caffeine_and_Weight_Gain

Caffeine Alternatives: http://www.dooyoo.co.uk/discussion/general-weightloss-healthy-eating-tips/312340/

Caffeine and Depression: http://www.healthyplace.com/alternative-mental-health/depression-alternative/caffeine-avoidance-for-depression/menu-id-55/

Harmful Effects of Caffeine: http://www.celestialhealing.net/caffeine.htm

Alcohol:

http://www.dryoutnow.com/alcohol-help/index.shtml

http://alcoholism.about.com/cs/withdraw/a/aa030307a.htm

Quitting both Together:

http://www.livestrong.com/article/160995-effects-of-alcohol-caffeine/

One more year.

Next month will mark the one year anniversary of my leap of faith into a new future, leaving comfort and stability for freedom, and determined to live the life I wanted. It appears I have become distracted. By money, mostly. The lack thereof, specifically. I believe I have neglected feeding my soul that way it needs. I have having something of an identity crisis lately, as I was explaining to the boyfriend the other day. A person's ego is comprised of identification with a number of "image choices". For instance, "I like movies", or "I am a liberal/ conservative/ socialist/ basketweaver" are all terms that we use to endear us to or ostracize us from a particular group of people. If one is to experience Divine Love, the desire to identify with every form of spirit, including the plant and animal world, may override the particular proclivities of one's own ego. I believe this is what I have been experiencing lately. I am viewing all life as one soul, and therefore I am having trouble identifying with any group. I believe these distinctions are no longer viable. I am hopeful for a solution to this angst (which seems to be the best word for it). I am also noticing the extent to which people use appearance and "cultural markers" to determine an individual's worth. I don't know if I want red dreads or green eyeshadow or a big hippie dress, etc. and so now I am in the awkward in between phase of not really subscribing to anything, which means most people don't know how to deal with me. I believe that this speaks less for humanity that I would have previously supposed. But, it seems to be the nature of mankind. Blessed and necessary is the coming shift of conciousness, in whatever form it decides to take. Mama Earth and Grandmother Spider know what's up, and have been here way longer than any of our incarnations.

I find that even with these growing pains, I have a giddy sense of hope for us. Though a large part of that hope is that we can evolve into our potential. We have the ability to be such amazing creatures, filled with light and love and most of all peace, but it seems everywhere I look I see us embracing the death cult, killing each other over imaginary distinctions. When I see this I think, "Om shanti shanti shanti", and concentrate on people opening themselves up to infinite knowledge. Lately, I am seeing people I care about being chased around by their ego demons. It's just so painful to watch, like seeing someone drown in three inches of water. If they'd just look around, they'd see that they can just stand the hell up, but they put their gender/location/class/previous truth blinders on long ago, so all they can concentrate on is drowning. I am grateful to see and participate in this experience; however, so that I can see the end result of stagnant cultural identification. If we can just see far enough, and see beyond the immediate mammalian fight-or-flight feeling of "bad" situations, we can see that everything is eventually for good and truthful spiritual evolution, and that every second we are blessed and filled with light. I wish the Europeans hadn't killed off so many of the First Peoples (on all continents), because the entire American paradigm needs a prolonged medicine walk. We are becoming both schizophrenic and suicidal, as we stray farther away from the lives that our bodies have evolved to thrive in.

Which is why I am happy to be part of the peaceful revolution. May we find the path back out of the concrete jungle.

Om shanti shanti shanti.

Shameless Self Promotion

I should probably mention that this is not all that I do. I am in a band called Art Horse, that is fabulous mix of spiritual and political issues laid on top of an electro framework, with a little bit of personal mythology throw in for good measure. For instance, most people don't seem to know that I moonlight as a punk rock fairy princess superhero. We rock. Stay tuned for more details.

I am also a rabid crafter of all things fancy, and am starting a company called KitschyWitch Designs. Links and news will of course be posted in good time.

First Post.

Welcome to OctaWEb!!

Octa, the feminine "Octo", meaning eight.

Eight is a cosmically significant number used in many religions worldwide.

For instance, The EightFold Path from Buddhism, which describes the traits an individual should exude in order to escape the cycles of rebirth and achieve Nirvana.




The number 8 is also used in the Witch's Wheel of the Year, which chronicles major Sabbats and minor Esbats. These divisions are based on the lunar year, the most natural way of keeping time.


A spider has 8 legs, reminding us of the Native American story of Grandmother Spider, the originator and keeper of the web of life, through which we are all connected.


This blog is intended both as a research project for myself, and something that others can learn from and use. It is intended to do no less than uplift the consciousness of the entire world. So there. I will chronicle my own personal journey towards conscious awareness and I hope that others will find this helpful.

Namaste.



1/17/08
The past is always there. The choices you made when you were younger and the circumstances surrounding your growth always seem to exist somewhere and shape things into the future. Sometimes i still feel like that little awkward girl in high school who didn't speak her mind enough and ran (6 miles, every other day) so that that her mind would stop screaming at her, and held herself into her little world with every breath she had, even though it was too small and gave her splinters. But, I'm still that little prodigal child, who was outgoing and playful and would let you exactly what was up.

What is it about the past that seems to feel so sticky lately? Things that I could have just sworn I'd forgotten are coming back with a vengeance to remind me what made this identity that I've constructed. I remember why I am so good at playing the game with men, how I've learned them very well so that I can be intimate with them and yet very distant, as friends and otherwise. I am finding that I still very much have trouble letting my guard down creatively, taking the reins and letting it happen. I am prone to over-analyzing a situation as a defense mechanism. It helps me with understanding others, but also alienates me because I live so much in my own head. At some points in my life, I've purposely surrounded myself with men and women who live directly through their bodies. They eat well, they like good beer, they fuck whomever and whenever they want to. I admire them, partly because that is foreign to me. Though, that's changing for me, one holy hell of a lot. I think that there are definitely times to feed your id, like your ego, like your soul. All of these things have seasons. I think the trick is to let yourself go with it, and be at peace, even though it may not be exactly what you expected. With intention, the universe will align itself to give you exactly what you need. But, I've noticed that if you ask for healing, you will not be magically healed all of the time. It does happen, but not always. Mostly, you will be shown the meat of the situations contributing to your problem, and then it becomes your responsibility to assess them with better vision. That fact has become abundantly clear to me recently; I still have the intent on living my dream, which is to be a prolificly creative artist in every aspect of my life, and to shape reality into something immensely beautiful and uplifting, that just sings with hope and appreciation. I believe that I am doing that. I am back here with an abundance of raw materials with which to work, and I will come to a place where the physical manifestations of my creativity just flow out of me like water, like blood, like my voice. Why not? It's ok to write songs concerning specific events, and to write/ dance/ paint/ knit/ sing your own truth. Even if seems small, it's still important in the grander scheme of things. I have so much interest in minutae and moment, like analogy. That's probably why I like fairy tales and fables so much. Truth through situation. So, I also have to deal with the fact that I WORRY that my life may seem very small to others. I want to be confident with myself that way. My life is not small. I've a whole universe inside me, with a pantheon of gods and an entire world history complete with lineage and terrain. I will remove the blocks (that are almost completely internal and wrapped up in my particular psychology) preventing my living the life of an artist, and living life as art. Writing definitely helps. Getting all of this stuff out into the ether and collective conciousness helps. When I write, I feel much stronger. It feels like talking to a friend about something and just getting to hear what you say. That in itself is the beginning of the process, but you've just gotta let it out somehow.

I've been in this years'-long question about action and intent: how important is one compared to the other? Like, you didn't mean to hurt someone but you did a blatantly shitty thing. Is forgiveness required? Of yourself or of the other person? Or you have a vast inner life that, if tapped into, could change the world, but you don't work in any recognized modality. Are you living up to your responsiblity as a co-creator? I think that if you want to work in a modality, and you are not, then you are not realizing your full potential.

I also keep coming back to the idea that, "Where there is love, there is no effort." That is beautiful, and true, but not the whole truth. Where there is love, there is no effort, but there will be practice. It is absolutely necessary to keep your purpose in mind, or at least to know yourself, and believe that even the most mundane activity is a conversation with god. Perception is key.

When Ben and I were still talking, he said that he very rarely got sad. In fact, sometimes he would be doing something as trivial as the dishes and look out the window above the sink, and just be alight with gratitude at the fact that he even existed and that he was was able to conciously have that experience. It's true, the very fact that we even live in this body, with this mind, at this time and place, that we even exist in this galaxy is a miracle. If we could just stop hurting each other, the planet, and ourselves (which are all really the same thing anyway) and bask in the infinite beauty that our existence can offer us, I think that we could be OK. It is this work that is at the core of changing the paradigm. And, I believe that fully appreciating one of those things can lead to an appreciation of all of them.

First, you just gotta wake up.

For instance, love your body and your mind and learn to have compassion for it. This inner compassion for yourself will allow you to have compassion for others. You will no longer want to poison yourself with the causes of the main physical problems of our society: obesity, cancer, liver disease, etc. When the habits and the drugs that nurture them are cleared out of the way, and the body resumes its natural rhythms, your systems will begin to resonate more strongly with the earth, and you will be less likely to harm her during your life.

Or, start with the earth. Conservation, ecology, the desire for the elimination of weapons that irradiate and pollute, or the refusal to buy products that hurt the planet you came from. In the earth's ecology, you can see yourself, and how your actions can be used for either healing or harm. You develop a sense of personal responsibility. By avoiding products that harm the earth, you avoid products that harm yourself. By focusing on things that heal yourself, you are able to gain information and pass on the ability to heal others.

Thirdly, you can start with compassion for other people, and of course animals, because we all have a conciousness and most of us can feel pain and sadness. All the major religions state that service to others is the primary goal, and one of the only ways that humanity can save itself. What they don't mention is the myriad of forms this service can take when one person becomes concious and bases themselves in a larger mentality than the demands of his/ her ego. As you grow to understand the motivations for the actions of others, you begin to hear stories the ring true for your own life, and you have a broader base from which to have compassion for yourself. People are not all that different. In the forms that life has taken on this planet, and may take on other planets/ universes/ dimensions, we are a tiny little blip of breath in a really big body. That being said, you can pretty much assume that you can relate to and have compassion for any person that comes your way. Given different genetic coding and post-birth circumstance, I really believe that I could be in the body/mind of any and every single person that has ever lived and/or died on this planet. This realization can help immensely to allay anger at others and learn to forgive.

It seems that people in this culture seem to understand the first idea, self-love, fairly well and have difficulty with the other two. Or their version of self-love looks like letting the ego drive. As in, I love myself so I want alot of money and I want my body to be comfortable. This feeling may or may not extend to one's immediate family, but the end result is that the circumference of the circle the person lives in is very small.

This is a pleasure/ pain principle, and is the very first mode of morality that people can experience. As Americans, we are given this structure pretty much since the day we are born. Money is good, dualistic power is good, new objects are good.

The problem with this mentality is that it uses fear to sustain itself. Advertising serves the insecurities of the ego. Most media is based in advertising. (expand this) Therefore, most information an American gets has some basis in fear: of oneself, of others, of others' opinion of oneself. That is not all that is out there.

So, in short, you can arrive at a better wholeness through any of these routes. And, honestly, it doesn't have to be difficult. It can be like jazz, flowing into and out of itself and using tiny little actions to make bigger, more lavish actions. Waking up is the hardest part.

Where there is love, there is no effort, but there will be practice.